The Bathroom

Well, I have to start with an area near and dear to all of us, the bathroom. As we spend a large portion of our lives at the office, we invariably visit this destination more frequently than we want to admit. Since we have to share this critical common space, please....

•  Learn about and practice the "courtesy flush"
  Everyone has bad days gastrointestinally speaking. When dinner from the night before is storming the Alamo, please do not share your pride and joy any longer than absolutely necessary.  There is not "eww ribbon" for your masterpiece, so send it on its way and spare you office mates.
  
• Find the water cooler and talk there
  After you have completed you task and you see Billy or Susie or whomever, please do not strike up a deep discussion on the merits of the free enterprise system.  There is a reason bathrooms are not the size of Grant Field. Accomplish your task and let the next person take care of their business.
  
• Do not serenade your audience
  If you have the need to grunt and groan and make sounds akin to mating water buffalos then you should probably head home and take care of whatever you have eaten that is trying to revolt. Sounds are normal and things escape, but treating the event as if you are the featured performer at the opera just makes everyone wonder if you are dying or, worse even, enjoying this a little too much. Please, please go home and sing your special song in private.
  
• If its yellow, flush the urinal
  I am in favor of conserving water and protecting the environment, but flush the toilet.  Nobody wants to walk in and experience the aroma of what you are allowing to marinate all day.  It take 2 seconds to hit the plunger and make the day a little more positive for the person coming in an hour after you.
  
• Hit the toilet
  I know it can be difficult, but aim and hit the target. If this poses too much of a challenge then sit down and stop peeing on the seat.  If you do miss, clean it up because nobody wants to share like that and the toilet paper is 12 inches away. Inaccurate, lazy and inconsiderate is not an attractive combination.
  
  For those of you that cannot hit the urinal, what the hell happened?  Did you have a seizure mid stream?  It is almost akin to being unable to throw a rock into the ocean.  Are you not trying?